Monday, December 29, 2008

Kylie Kwong Drinking Game

Next time there's a Kylie Kwong marathon screening on Lifestyle food, you can play this fun drinking game with your friends. You will need a TV with Foxtel, and lots of alcohol.

Now, every time one of the following events occur, take a sip:

1. Kylie makes her version of a Chinese dish, which involves pouring hot peanut oil over garlic/ginger/shallots/chilli/brown sugar/light soy/Chinese cooking wine.

2. Kylie says the words "garlic, ginger and shallots" or "depth of flavour".

3. Kylie does something odd and the locals look at her like she's really weird.

4. Kylie says "the Chinese" or "we Chinese" as if she's actually Chinese and not just a 5th-generation Australian selling her Asianness to the highest bidder.

5. Kylie changes her faux-Chinese tunic.

6. Kylie tries to pronounce a Chinese word in a super-broad Aussie accent.

7. Kylie tries to talk to someone, and the camera quickly pans away to give the translator time to come in and explain to her what's going on.

8. Kylie backs away while talking to the camera and bumps into someone, without saying sorry or acknowledging them.

9. Kylie barks at someone in English, as if talking louder will make her easier to understand.

10. Kylie barges into someone's kitchen and they nod politely as they taste her Kylie-fied version of their dish.

BONUS: If Kylie eats a char siu pau with chopsticks, you must down your glass.

***Disclaimer: This is a joke. Don't actually play this drinking game. Sarah Cooks does not encourage the consumption of alcohol in excessive quantities. Or eating paus with chopsticks.***

Check out this hilarious blog post about Kylie Kwong at through the Looking Glass. You said it, sister!

17 comments:

ElegantGourmand said...

I must play this game soon :) Regarding the eating of paus with chopsticks, perhaps Kyles was taking inspiration from George Costanza, who ate his snickers bar with knife and fork. You can just hear her scoff in disdain, "How do you eat it? With your hands?"

Markii B said...

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA I love it!!!!!!!!

I don't think you'd last 10min. More like 2min.

lol especially at #4.. hahah!! So true!

Fabrizio said...

AWESOME!~ I so wanna play that game. I've never watched a full KWong episode.

Anonymous said...

Kylie Kwong. Lol. I've already said too much!

Gemma said...

Hilarious - must try this as soon as she is on TV here again! Your Christmas looks great as well, keep meaning to try the Christmas muffins - maybe I could make them New Year muffins instead!

Duncan | syrupandtang said...

Kan pei! LOL I like to eat my ice cream with chopsticks and am always alert to the possibility that KK will come bursting through my kitchen door with a camera crew.

Helen (AugustusGloop) said...

rofl. omg, this isn't a game - this is deliberate alcoholism!

billy said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA you've made my day.
Is it only Malaysian Chinese that hate Kylie Kwong? :P

I want to add one more point - Every time she says "My grandmother used to cook this, but this time I will do my own version" by cutting down all the essential steps and whisk up a lazy version.

divemummy said...

I love it!

Su-Lin said...

:D Too funny and so true! Though I think I'd change the channel before 5 minutes are up!

Randi said...

Very true!! We have the show here in Canada and ever single thing you wrote about really happens!! LOL

Still Ill said...

She is useless. Goes all the way to China and can't speak a word of bloody Mandarin. I saw her jump a big queue of people in one episode which made me irate - if I was a local and she came up to me barking her pidgin English I wouldn't give her the time of day. I hate how she didn't try that mung bean soup from last night on ABC, the height of rudeness!!! If I was the street vendor I would've thrown it at her head.

Anonymous said...

hahaha u are so right! im so annoyed with her shows. its not original...seriously...though i want to steal her kitchen....hmm might have to sneak the crane through at 2am in the morning for that one lol.

but yes. deary deary me. how she got famous and a well selling restaurant to boot. i dunno anymore

Anonymous said...

I love this idea! I couldn't agree with you more - she is by far THE worst TV cooking/travel host I've ever seen.

I just watched the show for the first time yesterday and the line "chinese cooking wine gives it depth of flavour" drove me nuts!!!

I'm sure she's only been able to get where she is because of connections...!

Anonymous said...

Shes a piece of turd. really crap one. i absolutely hate her aussie accent. I want to punch her glasses off when I hear that

IVNHO said...

Thank you. This is frickin' hilarious. I've always been pissed off by how she believes that her Chinese ethnicity by default gives her the privilege of essentialising China. Now I can get pissed (minus the "off") instead, thanks to your drinking game!

My fave Kylie generalism: "Food is central to the Chinese culture - it's all we ever think about!" Note to Kylie Kwong: food is central to ANY culture - it's called human survival.

Timothy said...

#1 will get anyone drunk in no time. it's basically EVERY recipe!